Well, I'm not an artist, and I'm not a salesman. So what would you call it?

     Nowadays, when I think about goal successes and failures, I'm often reminded of a scene from "The Office" TV show.  Pam is the new Office Administrator and is having trouble dealing with Dwight, who has recently purchased their office building.  Pam and Jim are on the stairwell talking when she says:

Pam: I needed leverage so I pulled those pictures off the internet. It's just this Office Administrator thing, I don't wanna...
Jim: What?
Pam: Fail. I don't want to fail... again.
Jim: But you didn't fail.
Pam: And that's what you said about Art School, and that's what you said about sales.
Jim: And you didn't fail those things either.
Pam: Well, I'm not an artist, and I'm not a salesman. So what would you call it?

That conversation sums up my feelings on past and present goals pretty well, especially considering that most of my present goals are the same as they were in the past.  In my personal bubble that is an idealist's world, I haven't failed at learning to speak French or play the piano... but the reality of the situation is that I can neither speak French nor play the piano much better than I could 5 years ago.

     Over the weekend, while we hosted our annual Halloween party, I realized something quite embarrassing.  The sheet music on my piano stand is on the same song, "Alouette", as it was at the Halloween party 3 years ago.  Don't get me wrong, I've been very aware for a long time of how much piano progress I have not been making.  Perspective can be a bitch.  And the thing is, sometimes a punch in the gut is just a punch in the gut; thinking about my piano failures in this context does not motivate me, it just hurts and knocks the wind out my lungs.

     Maybe I'm not a failure, but I am also not an artist, pianist, or many of the other things I'm goaling towards at the moment.

     I need to think more before we continue down this road, let's talk again soon.

Treading Water

   There comes a time in every goal oriented journey where you are neither succeeding or failing.  The easy wins have been won, longer wins feel less fun, and the failures make you feel like everything you've tried to do is nothing but bullshit posturing.  In the business, we call this goal stage: Treading Water.
    Treading water is a worst phase of working towards goals because it truly feels as if you're doing nothing more than swimming in place.  Notice that the metaphor isn't "standing in place" or "sitting still", no it's called treading water because you're not just going nowhere, you're expending a shit ton of energy to get there... or not there... to get where you are, which is not where you want to be.  To tread water is to fatigue and fatigue is the precipice of defeat.
     How did we get here?  And why are we always surprised to have arrived when we've been here O'so many times before?   The lazy brain adds up how much time and energy we are expending to get nowhere.  Then, very quietly, the lazy brain whispers a not so subtle reminder to the motivated brain that we could get just as much accomplished sitting in a chair, in front of the television, with a controller in our hands, for hours on end.
     I find these gut check moments to be both intriguing and infuriating.  I don't get mad that they exist, but I can't help but be angry with myself for letting them get this far, so repeatedly and predictably.  Going to the gym 3 times a week, as well as swimming, biking, and running, is easy for me, but I'm unable to stop from stuffing face fulls of candy into my mouth after a long day of work? Are you fucking kidding me?
     I know, I know, if lack of self control in regards to candy eating is my biggest problem, then I should be thankful.  Well maybe that's the way you look at it, but that is not the way I look at it.  Firstly, candy is just the example I choose to share and I happen to think that it's an honestly good one.  My inability to stop myself from not just eating candy, but overeating candy, speaks to an underlining and very American thing that je deteste pour moi!  We can't be respectful of the world that we live in if that respect only happens when we're fully sated.  This is important to me, I do not want to be that person anymore.
     Did you hear that?  I just doggy paddled, even if only for a minute.
This was good, let's talk again soon.

Neither Can Live While the Other Survives

     With the Disaster Digital podcast season of "Self-Improvement" well under way, I've been spending a good amount of time thinking about goals and goal related things.  What does it mean to have a goal, to reach for a goal, to fail or to succeed.  Some might say that I spend far too much of my time thinking on abstract thoughts for the sake of abstract thought thinking, and those people might be right.  However, I've never had and never will I have a goal to spend less time deep in thought.
    Back to the point... One of the things that I have in common with a lot of other people out there is that I've both set goals and failed at goals.  Few things are as frustrating as wanting to do something, knowing it's within your abilities to succeed at, yet failing to do so.  Not just failing once even, many of us quickly dust ourselves off after the first fail and jump feet first directly into the next fail.  Why? Not why do we try again, giving up without reason is the ultimate fail, but why do we keep failing?  What are the differences between a successful goal campaign and a failed one?  I think I have a few ideas.
     Imagine your life is a puzzle.  Not one of those 25-piece easy-to-complete puzzles, but a 2000-piece get ready to blurt out a bunch of cuss words type puzzle.  As we grow up, the edge pieces find their way together and form the basis of whatever human being we can be.  Whether or not those edge pieces stay in the same spots, there always exists a frame of who were think that we are.  Globs of connected puzzle pieces take shape as we continue putting things together.  The globs sit inside the frame, sometimes independently, sometimes connected to other globs, but they sit there because we put them there, because we think that is where they belong.  Eventually, all we have left are a few small gaps in the puzzle as it nears closer and closer to completion.  The puzzle of life, however, is never complete, such is our struggle.
     In terms of this whole life puzzle thing, what is a goal have to do with any of it?  Essentially, each goal that we create for ourselves has to fit within the frames that we've created for ourselves.  Small goals can fit fairly easily into the holes around the globs, sometimes even connecting and becoming a part of the globs themselves.  The failure causing problems begin to pop-up when the size of our goals out grow the available space from which to put them in.  "This puzzle is only 2000 pieces, how did I get 500 extra pieces on the table!?"

     Here is my point, the title of this blog post that I've been working towards for 5 paragraphs and counting, "Neither can live while the other survives", it's not just an awesome Harry Potter quote.  The fact of what I'm methaporing about is this:  If you have desires for big change in your life, then the you that you want to be cannot exist while the you that you are survives.  Might be a mouthful, but it's just that easy.  The frame of our puzzle is non-negotiable, it doesn't get any larger, because it is  time.  Imagine trying to fit a new 200 piece glob of you into a puzzle that already appears as though it's 1750 pieces complete.  You might think that it fits, at least for a little while, but it doesn't, and that's goal failure.

     If you want to be something, if I want to be something other than what I am, then there is part of me that must... go away, change, or for lack of a better word - die.  Mull that one over in your brain for a minute.  Let's talk again soon.