Well, I'm not an artist, and I'm not a salesman. So what would you call it?

     Nowadays, when I think about goal successes and failures, I'm often reminded of a scene from "The Office" TV show.  Pam is the new Office Administrator and is having trouble dealing with Dwight, who has recently purchased their office building.  Pam and Jim are on the stairwell talking when she says:

Pam: I needed leverage so I pulled those pictures off the internet. It's just this Office Administrator thing, I don't wanna...
Jim: What?
Pam: Fail. I don't want to fail... again.
Jim: But you didn't fail.
Pam: And that's what you said about Art School, and that's what you said about sales.
Jim: And you didn't fail those things either.
Pam: Well, I'm not an artist, and I'm not a salesman. So what would you call it?

That conversation sums up my feelings on past and present goals pretty well, especially considering that most of my present goals are the same as they were in the past.  In my personal bubble that is an idealist's world, I haven't failed at learning to speak French or play the piano... but the reality of the situation is that I can neither speak French nor play the piano much better than I could 5 years ago.

     Over the weekend, while we hosted our annual Halloween party, I realized something quite embarrassing.  The sheet music on my piano stand is on the same song, "Alouette", as it was at the Halloween party 3 years ago.  Don't get me wrong, I've been very aware for a long time of how much piano progress I have not been making.  Perspective can be a bitch.  And the thing is, sometimes a punch in the gut is just a punch in the gut; thinking about my piano failures in this context does not motivate me, it just hurts and knocks the wind out my lungs.

     Maybe I'm not a failure, but I am also not an artist, pianist, or many of the other things I'm goaling towards at the moment.

     I need to think more before we continue down this road, let's talk again soon.

Treading Water

   There comes a time in every goal oriented journey where you are neither succeeding or failing.  The easy wins have been won, longer wins feel less fun, and the failures make you feel like everything you've tried to do is nothing but bullshit posturing.  In the business, we call this goal stage: Treading Water.
    Treading water is a worst phase of working towards goals because it truly feels as if you're doing nothing more than swimming in place.  Notice that the metaphor isn't "standing in place" or "sitting still", no it's called treading water because you're not just going nowhere, you're expending a shit ton of energy to get there... or not there... to get where you are, which is not where you want to be.  To tread water is to fatigue and fatigue is the precipice of defeat.
     How did we get here?  And why are we always surprised to have arrived when we've been here O'so many times before?   The lazy brain adds up how much time and energy we are expending to get nowhere.  Then, very quietly, the lazy brain whispers a not so subtle reminder to the motivated brain that we could get just as much accomplished sitting in a chair, in front of the television, with a controller in our hands, for hours on end.
     I find these gut check moments to be both intriguing and infuriating.  I don't get mad that they exist, but I can't help but be angry with myself for letting them get this far, so repeatedly and predictably.  Going to the gym 3 times a week, as well as swimming, biking, and running, is easy for me, but I'm unable to stop from stuffing face fulls of candy into my mouth after a long day of work? Are you fucking kidding me?
     I know, I know, if lack of self control in regards to candy eating is my biggest problem, then I should be thankful.  Well maybe that's the way you look at it, but that is not the way I look at it.  Firstly, candy is just the example I choose to share and I happen to think that it's an honestly good one.  My inability to stop myself from not just eating candy, but overeating candy, speaks to an underlining and very American thing that je deteste pour moi!  We can't be respectful of the world that we live in if that respect only happens when we're fully sated.  This is important to me, I do not want to be that person anymore.
     Did you hear that?  I just doggy paddled, even if only for a minute.
This was good, let's talk again soon.

Neither Can Live While the Other Survives

     With the Disaster Digital podcast season of "Self-Improvement" well under way, I've been spending a good amount of time thinking about goals and goal related things.  What does it mean to have a goal, to reach for a goal, to fail or to succeed.  Some might say that I spend far too much of my time thinking on abstract thoughts for the sake of abstract thought thinking, and those people might be right.  However, I've never had and never will I have a goal to spend less time deep in thought.
    Back to the point... One of the things that I have in common with a lot of other people out there is that I've both set goals and failed at goals.  Few things are as frustrating as wanting to do something, knowing it's within your abilities to succeed at, yet failing to do so.  Not just failing once even, many of us quickly dust ourselves off after the first fail and jump feet first directly into the next fail.  Why? Not why do we try again, giving up without reason is the ultimate fail, but why do we keep failing?  What are the differences between a successful goal campaign and a failed one?  I think I have a few ideas.
     Imagine your life is a puzzle.  Not one of those 25-piece easy-to-complete puzzles, but a 2000-piece get ready to blurt out a bunch of cuss words type puzzle.  As we grow up, the edge pieces find their way together and form the basis of whatever human being we can be.  Whether or not those edge pieces stay in the same spots, there always exists a frame of who were think that we are.  Globs of connected puzzle pieces take shape as we continue putting things together.  The globs sit inside the frame, sometimes independently, sometimes connected to other globs, but they sit there because we put them there, because we think that is where they belong.  Eventually, all we have left are a few small gaps in the puzzle as it nears closer and closer to completion.  The puzzle of life, however, is never complete, such is our struggle.
     In terms of this whole life puzzle thing, what is a goal have to do with any of it?  Essentially, each goal that we create for ourselves has to fit within the frames that we've created for ourselves.  Small goals can fit fairly easily into the holes around the globs, sometimes even connecting and becoming a part of the globs themselves.  The failure causing problems begin to pop-up when the size of our goals out grow the available space from which to put them in.  "This puzzle is only 2000 pieces, how did I get 500 extra pieces on the table!?"

     Here is my point, the title of this blog post that I've been working towards for 5 paragraphs and counting, "Neither can live while the other survives", it's not just an awesome Harry Potter quote.  The fact of what I'm methaporing about is this:  If you have desires for big change in your life, then the you that you want to be cannot exist while the you that you are survives.  Might be a mouthful, but it's just that easy.  The frame of our puzzle is non-negotiable, it doesn't get any larger, because it is  time.  Imagine trying to fit a new 200 piece glob of you into a puzzle that already appears as though it's 1750 pieces complete.  You might think that it fits, at least for a little while, but it doesn't, and that's goal failure.

     If you want to be something, if I want to be something other than what I am, then there is part of me that must... go away, change, or for lack of a better word - die.  Mull that one over in your brain for a minute.  Let's talk again soon.

1st Autograph

      My first confession of this writing is to say that I haven't put any serious time into the new book this week. There are of course reasons behind why, but who doesn't have life stuff? What I really want to mention is the book related amazingness that did occur this week, almost as if in mindful protest to my lack of literary productivity!

      Went logging on to Amazon and what did I see? Another 5 star review waiting for me.

      Let's be clear, when I say "another", I mean the 3rd review ever, and the 1st and 2nd were an accidental double click, so it's really more like the 2nd actual review. This latest review actually requested the sequel to happen, which is an added boon to the old confidence sack.

      You might be asking yourself "what could top that?", well get ready to pop that second bottle of champaign because it gets even more exciting!  

First Autograph Signed!!

      Yes, it was one of my friends from work, and yes it still feels freaking amazing! When you sink so much love and passion into a project, you are just as grateful for the friends who read it as you are the strangers that do. There is something immutably special about another person taking time out of their life for you, pooling their thoughts with your own, in a mixture not unlike the salivas of a deep kiss.

Here is what my signature said:

"If Starchildren really do exist in the world, you are definitely one of them."

      For those who have both read the book and know the guy, I  don't think there are many that would disagree with my assertion.  One of the good things about seeing things through the eyes of a Starchild is that you always have old friends nearby, even if you don't remember them yet.

Eat more of what you are

"If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that." -Stephen King

      Today's idea piggybacks on the same kind of idea I shared last time, just from the other side of the beach. I have to admit, digesting the quote is one thing, but to have the great Steven King's words staring at me while I write this really makes me feel like I should be in a  book right now. It's seriously a fight for me not to run away from this computer and get into one of the lonely and waiting books on my shelf. Only the equally strong forces of wine and Sims 3 keep me right where I am.
      When I first heard this quote, I was listening to Wil Wheaton's podcast and driving another early morning, into another 10 hour day, of another 50 hour work week. As much truth as I found and find in it, as much I wanted to act on the idea that reading more will make me a better writer, I couldn't. All I could do is eat it and let the inspirational particles float around my stomach until I felt so bloated with the day's other crap, it naturally passed out of my system. I know I need to read more if I want to be a better writer, but fuck me is it hard.
      Look at everything you love to do or want to do and consider how much time you already spend in that world as a consumer. A perfect example for me is podcasting; Teresa and I listen the shit out of some podcasts. As consumers, we can both critique and enjoy as we consume, which is as close to multitasking that anyone can get these days. Even the most terrible podcasts have the potential to inspire us to actually want to meet up and continue to create our own art. Wil would say "to create a thing where there was no thing before."
      Reading is the sharpening stone to the graphite of your mental pencil. Take the idea in context of the world we live in. Even those who hate to read are likely reading Facebook updates or other news stories all day long. So what do you really hate about reading if you're voluntarily doing it all day anyway? Putting in the time, attention, and focus that the longer reading adventures demand of you? We may not always have as much time as we want to do everything the way that everyone else says things should be done... but we can always find the time to use the ideas of others to inspire us on how to be more effective users of our own time.

New Muses

            In the business of writing, there is a saying that may or may not exist that I may or may not have just made up.

“Some writers write when they can, other writers write when they can’t.”

Reading this might give the initial impression that I or the proverbial “they” think that writers make time to write even when they have none.  The actual meaning is that writers are writing even when no ink hits the page or letters funnel into the word processor. 

            A great friend came to visit over this past weekend and it was nothing short of awesome.  Much needed vacation time was had by me, great conversation was experienced by us, and inspiration was aboundly all aroundly.  Never mind that I wasn’t able to write a single page of anything, I may not have written anything if he hadn’t been here.  The only thing I know for sure is that without him, I wouldn’t have gotten the ideas and inspiration that I’m now planning out in my head.

            One of the biggest challenges in undertaking large novel and novel-like projects is in fighting the urge to become a shut-in.  Sure, being alone in the basement may provide much needed time and space for writing the thoughts plotting about in your brain, but it does little in terms of raw inspiration.  Could I write something without the raw inspiration?  Of course, but it wouldn’t be nearly as interesting as this one will be.

            Bob issued me a single challenge, to write in a style that I have not attempted before.  Challenge accepted.  It’s going to be exciting, it’s going to be new.  Yes, I’m going to finish telling my personal Starchildren story, but as Bob would say, shit’s about to get real.

Capstone

      A weekend full up with reflection over last week's "Experiment" did not yield much additional information that would be considered interesting. What do we know? We know that focusing on the emition of positive energy did appear to effect my surroundings for the better. We know that the ability to emite positive energy was highly dependant on how tired I was and whether or not I was having a 1D, 2D, or 3D interaction with people. And lastly, we know that more than anything else, when I focus on the release of positive energy, it causes me to receive the input from others as less aggressive and pointless as I so often inadvertantly do.
      From the outside, it's easy to say that this is all information that is known and any such infintile testing is little more than pointless. Today's world makes it easy to approach all testing and experimentation as a waste of time and energy. We justify not putting time into one trash can so that we can go back to putting it into the trash cans that we're used to, the trash cans within our comfort zones. 
      If I don't run mental experiements with myself now, and do other exercises of this nature, later on in life will find me wondering why I didn't and why I don't understand myself better. The comical part of the question I'll undoubtedly ask myself is that I won't even consider the idea that I discarded the prospectous as "Pointless." All I will be able to remember is that I did not spend time getting to know myself, and at the end of all things, I will not be ready to die.