It's just the skin we wear around the world, it should be tougher than this. The term "scar tissue" is used often when describing old wounds that just won't seem to heal, can't heal, or we won't let heal. I'm left wondering if this is an accurate term for the cuts that we keep digging at so that they never get a chance to heal. There is a scar on my left elbow from a disastrous roll over car accident I caused and lived through when I was sixteen. Even then, I didn't think much about it, and I certainly don't scratch my nails deep into the flesh and tare it open now. There is no unrelenting desire to never forget. Scar tissue feels like something you can forget, and maybe even surgically repair.
What is the word for losing part of yourself that can never be gotten back? We build memories and stories that each of us recall in different ways, or sometimes not at all. So when the only person who remembers an event, is no longer here, what is that called? What nonsensical word is there to describe the feeling that nothing you ever did made a good bit of difference? Maybe even worse than that, there is the distinct possibility that meeting YOU and being your BEST FRIEND may have been the worst thing that ever happened to them. Running the numbers in my head, the math seems fairly absolute in saying that almost any other path would have led him to a longer life than this.
If I could go back in time, a la The Butterfly Effect, would I have tried harder to change the path he was on in the end, or would it have just been better to let him go in the very beginning? I do blame myself. And it's not out of self pity, it's out of honesty. When I looked into Robert's eyes, and no words were spoken, it was the cold blue of what I hadn't considered looking straight in the face. I wish he had hit me. I wish he had hit me so hard that my flesh broke open and needed stitches to heal. At least then I would have some scar tissue from all of this.
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